John Harvey on Dan Davies - "Back of Mind"

Sounds like the classic "dog training" problem: You want the dog to always fetch the newspaper that usually lands in your driveway, but which sometimes ends up in your neighbor's driveway, and also you do not want the dog to attack the neighbor who thinks the paper belongs to them, and also you don't want the dog to get in the habit of stealing your neighbor's Amazon deliveries, and also you want the dog to do the task eagerly and enthusiastically, and also you want the dog to love you, and also you don't want to get sued by your neighbor, a lawyer (and your brother-in-law), and also you forgot that your subscription to the paper ran out and it was actually your neighbor's copy of the paper, and also you were half asleep when you mindlessly shouted "Fetch!" And you totally forgot that Robbie was a Robo-dog, and he didn't get the urgent software update that came out last night because you hadn't checked your email yet. Not that it would have mattered, because the email labelled "Emergency" had gone straight into SPAM. Too bad, it would also have fixed the occasional problem where the software goes crazy and starts telling the Robo-dog to attack and kill its owner. Whose idea was it to get the Robo-dog, anyway? Not yours. The children really wanted a dog, but you are allergic to dogs, so you got this Robo-thingy instead, then somehow became emotionally attached to it...Robbie is really cute, and reminds you of that doggie you had as child, but your parents got rid of when they found out you were allergic to dog hair. You never really recovered from the loss of your playmate, but had repressed the memory...until today. Is this how slave owners fall in love with their slaves and have children with them? Then you realize that you have foolishly been loving a bag of silicon and graphite that only simulates loving you back and won't be giving you any adorable puppies either, and you collapse into a heap of self recrimination and humiliation. Why, oh why? And all this because of a stupid newspaper! And a literal-minded Robo-dog! You never liked the dog anyway. It was always leaving a trail of little lithium-ion batteries that you have to pick up and recharge... Then the alarm went off and you woke up, to begin another perfect day in your actual life.